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Singing the blues..

Personal, Words

February 22, 2012

“The truest expression of a people is in its dance and its music. Bodies never lie.” -Agnes de Mille

It is officially opening week of BCM’s Dinner Theater! The show is Joseph’s Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat and I can tell you that you don’t want to miss it. 
This is the part where I would tell you that my week has been full of musical numbers, dress rehearsals, tech runs, coffee, and late nights. Where I would complain about being run down and burnt out but so excited to open because it’s always worth it in the end. Normally, that would be the case.
This year, however, I am chilling on my couch looking at pictures from dress rehearsal on Facebook. And that makes me very very sad. 

Not that I’m missing loads of stage time. If anyone saw 7 Brides last year I had about three stage presences. But I am missing loads of passion, work, and being a part of a talented group. 


 I think the last time I wasn’t singing or dancing was in middle school. And the last time I wasn’t musically active was probably 2nd grade..I got started young. 

Restoration was pretty much the driving passion behind my life last spring. Because I am blessed to be going to Benin this summer, I have some mission training the weekend of this year’s Restoration. I was in 5 dances at the beginning of this January and now there are none. 

 In a genuine effort to be positive, I saw it as a lot of free time gained, but I didn’t know then that the time lost would be so cherished.


 This will hit a positive note, I promise.
I haven’t had a lack of activity to fill my days. None at all. I am still going to class every morning and then to work until 5 every afternoon. After that is the usual BCM activities and time with my awesome Dawg Pack. But the school, work, grocery shop, cook, clean, homework routine has really gotten me singing the blues this semester.
I don’t take for granted the 6+ hours of sleep that I have been getting on most nights this year. And I’m definitely surviving without a constant supply of caffeine. I even have the time to be sitting on my couch writing this blog. But man do I miss running myself ragged doing the things I love. Pouring my heart and soul out in my dance and song. 
I can pour sorrow and disappointment out through ballet. And nothing releases more frustration or anger than stomping out a good hip-hop piece. Not to mention I am free to mean mug for a full hour. And my body can move with an energy otherwise never felt when I am expressing joy. 
But sometimes things have to be taken from us so that we can learn how to live without them. Sacrifice is a blessing that I so often take for granted.
I knew in my heart when I had to choose between Restoration and Benin that God was giving me a test. A test of my heart’s true purpose and willingness to serve Him. That I had enough peace to give up my most important team and weekend was important clarity about my motivation and call to go to Africa. 
But the most important lessons are often the most painful. Fast driving is not a smart alternative to hip-hop dancing. And tears aren’t quite as beautiful as a good lyrical ballad. Stalking rehearsal pics doesn’t build quite the same community that spending long hours with your team or cast does. 
So how does one start over in learning to express yourself? Emotions tend to well up when sitting in an office all day long. My music is my expression of worship. But I know I don’t need music to worship. Just like I know I don’t need music and dance to be happy. The only thing we need is a close relationship with our Father. And as I am learning about the Holy Spirit, our Counselor, our Advocate, and our Helper, I am learning to express myself to my Father. I can allow HIM to sing over ME for a while, as promised in Zephaniah 3:17. Though I love to worship with my body, I am a soul. And unless I know how to worship with my soul, my body is just a set of dry bones.
“You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart.” 

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