March 25, 2010
Last night at church, Matthew Eldridge was leading our worship. Between songs, Matthew stopped singing and told us to spend a quiet moment with God. He told us to tell Jesus our concerns, insecurities, praises and anything on our hearts. After closing my eyes for a moment I realized that I hadn’t spent any time with God all week. I have been putting it off everyday because I’ve been distracted by every other thing going in my life.
So I did my best to block everything else out and forget about the people around me and just talk to Jesus. I gave Him some long overdue praise and adoration. Then I thought about my concerns. My insecurities. I realized that would be a long prayer because my whole life seems like one big insecurity right now not just because I have so much going on, but because I feel inadequate in everything I have going on. An overwhelming sense of being second string in life.
As I was letting Jesus in on my secret, I began to feel guilty. What right do I have to sit here and complain to Him about not being good enough when I can’t even remember the last time I paused to give Him the time of day? Here I am whining to the God of the Universe that I feel second string in this world, when I have made Him second string in my own life?
I feel inept in my activities. In piano and dance and drama. But I am performing for my coaches and teachers rather than for the One who blessed me with my talents in the first place.
I watch my grades slip because I make homework and studying my ‘last priority’..usually when I’m half asleep at 2 am, but I haven’t stopped for a single moment to read or study my Bible.
I often feel insecure in my relationships because they are the most important part of my life. One doesn’t have to watch me long to see that my friends are my first priority. And while having close friends is not a bad thing, I depend on them too much. I look to them for acceptance and assurance and love before I look to my Creator. God tells us to find our self-worth in Him and Him alone, so it’s not wonder I’m caught second-guessing myself all the time. I expect from my friends what only God can offer me.
I must not wait until the next time I am forced to stop and spend a moment with Jesus to do so. I will continue to feel instable in everything I do, but more importantly, He deserves more of my attention than 5 minutes during worship on Wednesday nights. God has blessed me with too much to give Him my leftovers once a week.
My God is not second string and I cannot keep Him on the sideline watching me lose this game of life as I try to play it alone. I need Him at the front starting line, playing with me, playing for me, where He deserves to be.
Jesus, I’m sorry for making You second string in my life. I’m sorry that I get so caught up in my other obligations and push You to the last of my priorities. You deserve to be the core of everything I do. You deserve to be glorified in everything I do. You deserve to be the center of my self-worth. Forgive me for holding this back from You.