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Personal, Words

January 9, 2010

Have you ever walked up to a door, KNOWING someone was in the room on the other side and knocked..to no answer? So you knock louder and holler through the doorcrack? You even think you can hear footsteps or voices faintly on the inside but the door remains shut? Wouldn’t you really hate it if you kept knocking until they walked right up to the door and laid their hand on the doorknob but just wouldn’t open the door?

I feel more and more like this everytime I pray these days. God has ignited a burning passion into my life. A passion for missions. A passion to GO out and serve him. A passion to get my hands dirty. I’ve walked with a bigger spring in my step as I walked with a purpose in life. I am becoming more and more restless. I feel so useless sitting around in Conyers trying to finish out this senior year, when I can’t wait to get out in the world and start serving God in bigger ways.

For my senior trip my parents are paying for me to go to Kenya in June. I am so excited about this trip and I can’t wait to go. I fell in love with Jamaica last summer, so I got a job hosting at Applebees so that I could pay my way back to Jamaica this summer. I’m not satisfied. Something is still missing.

I have saved enough money for another trip if I pick up a few more hours working. My parents are letting me go on my own mission trip over Spring Break. Tracy is in the process of making arrangements for Erik and I to head to Montego Bay with another group that week. I can’t wait. This will be my first trip with a group of strangers and will be a challenge. We will be working with deaf adults rather than kids.

But I can’t help asking myself if God is sending me on this trip or if this is just my wanderlust kicking in. How much good can I do for that group and the adults in Montego Bay? Enough good to make the plane tickets worth it? I ask God every night to confirm that the plans are His and not my own.

I ask God every night if I should or shouldn’t commit to the spring musical. I could use those hours of practice time working and make enough money to perhaps go on another trip this summer. He never really answered me clearly, so I tried out.

He never clearly answered me about Montego Bay, so I told Tracy yes.

Hey promises in Proverbs 16 several times that he will determine our plans. (v1) We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. (v3) Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. (v9) We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

I’m making the plans..now just waiting for him to determine the steps. Seems like I’ll be waiting a while.

I’m slowly beginning to realize that I’m not being still enough to listen. He tells us to be still and know that I am God. It’s hard for me to be still when I am so ready to just GO. It seems I must not be ready to go quite yet, because He’s seems to not be sending me quite yet. Until then, I will try to be patient and let him work inside of me while I do my best to serve Him close to home.

Until then, I will be listening, to the best of my ability. Searching the Scriptures for answers, listening to the wiser people in my life, keeping my eye open for open or closed opportunities, and waiting for the “knowing” that everyone speaks of when they somehow just know that God is saying “go”…or maybe even “stay”. I suppose that could happen as well.

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